Hello, I’m Mr. Wonderful!

March 30, 2008   |   By (see 's Profile)   |   Filed Under Advice 

Dana Author Profile PictureYou might be very surprised what a young, attractive, late 20-something woman with blond hair, blue eyes and nice smile might reel in at popular online Jewish dating services. Then again, you might not, especially if you’re a woman like me and you’ve seen antics like this before on a regular basis. Every week I’m going to share with you, my readers, some of my favorite, insensitive and inane emails from all sorts of testosterone-filled, arrogant, egocentric, and self-absorbed guys that I’ve had the pleasure of never having to meet. I’ll be taking the woman’s point of view while my good friend, David, will be taking the male perspective. Hopefully the single men and women who seek “that special person” will take away both some laughs and perhaps some insight into writing another person you’ve never met before – and in this case, how not to write to a woman!

Profiles: Tell us something unique about yourself… 

What separates one man from another online apart from the take-it-on-faith recent photos? If a woman can’t discover any unique characteristics about the man writing her, then she has no basis for believing that the author may share similar priorities and have a duality of interests. Unfortunately many people resort to laziness or unwarranted timidity in a forum where you need to have a little personality and room for self-promotion. If you ever wanted to build a dictionary of cliches, you’d probably do best harvesting them from your local dating site. Some of my impersonal, uninformative favorites include:

  • “I love to laugh!” or “I love to have fun!” (who doesn’t?)
  • “I love taking advantage of everything the city has to offer” (followed by a failure to state what any of those things are)
  • “I’m just as comfortable in a pair of jeans as I am in a tiny black cocktail dress!” also known as “I’m just as happy going out to a show as I am hanging out at home watching the big screen.” (The old “so diverse I’m on both ends of the spectrum” lines.)
  • “I want to be with someone who is my best friend!” (No kidding?)
  • I’m not really good at describing myself which is why I’m going to make this short…” (and we’re supposed to know whether you’d be a good match because of… what exactly?)

I don’t need to go on here and you get my point. We’ve all seen these tired cliches before and perhaps it’s a grand idea to simply avoid using them entirely! If you opted for the lazy boy, you’ll look just as homogenous as all those other worn out cliches!

I must be stupid since you insist I’m so special…

So when a woman takes time to actually craft a cliche-free and personable profile, this should tip a man off that he will probably do best by showing her that he actually (a) took some time to read her drivel and didn’t just drool over her picture, and (b) can refer to something substantive the two of you might have in common. Makes sense, no? I’m actually quite easy to please. While it doesn’t hurt to know that my butt isn’t too big, it’s more important to me that the guy has noticed and takes advantage of the fact that I am a thinking and cognitive human being who enjoys intelligent conversation!Mr Wonderful with Rose

I was 27 and living in New York City at the time these thoughtful e-mails were crafted by John, a divorced 40 year old Boston-based executive (or should we say “alleges to be 40?”) In my profile I clearly emphasized how much I enjoyed intellectual pursuits, the arts, progressive conversation and was looking for someone with whom I could relate to, e.g. a contemporary, which my “desired age range” also indicated. Each section below contains an entire email correspondence and the single sentence you are about to read is the sum total of his grand entrance to win my appreciation:

John: “Though I live in Boston I spend a lot of time in NY. Will you spare a moment ?”

Great opener here. You take the time to write to me and the only thing you say is “could you spare a moment to read what I’m writing? As an executive, I’m sure you’re very appreciative when people take time to ask you a question about whether they can ask you a question. Yeeesh!

Dana: “John… you’re 40. That’s a long way from 27…”

I thought this was very witty. :) Not only is 40 a long way from 27, but so is Boston from New York City, not that it makes much of a difference when you’re just drooling over a potential trophy.

John: “It is what it is. Listen, I liked your profile and there was something in your picture that made me contact you (besides the apparent beauty). I am the real thing and there are things I can give you no one else can. If you let me buy you a cap of coffee you will not regret it.”

Hilarious. So instead of addressing what I feel is a serious age issue, he swats it away because his not feeling the same way is all that matters. Then he proceeds to tell me how there was something in my pictures (not my words) that compelled him to contact me, yet he can’t identify what it was – but we know it wasn’t my “obvious beauty.” He then proceeds to tell me that he can give me more unidentified things that “no else can.” Let’s see… I’ve had to spend some time with Wall Street tycoons, I’ve received and unfortunately read (once) disgusting porn spam with headers like “monster” and “horse”, and having seen Richard Gere in “Pretty Woman” more times than “The Shawshank Redemption” – what convices you that you are so very special again? That doesn’t matter, because since I have nothing else to do with my time I might as well take him up on his offer for coffee!

Dana: “John, I agree with you. I don’t doubt that you are a real person. What is it that can you give me that nobody else can?”

I did agree with the “obvious beauty” part – what girl wouldn’t, tee-hee! Litigators are always instructed to only ask questions on cross examination for which they already know the answers. I knew this one would produce a humdinger.

 John: “A wild ride coupled with a sense of confidence and calm that will make you fall in love like you never did before. I can put you in the center of my world and go places with you, build a family, find peace. I can cater to all your needs, the ones you know and the ones you never new you had. I can never lie to you. If you are the right one… And by the way Jill my name is Frank. I learned you dont like the Jdate email system. my real email is xxx@yyy.com”

This executive must have pulled this crap out out of the “Harvard Guide to Impressing Attractive Women, Revised 14th Edition.” What really made me pee in my pants was the triple entendre  here – John’s name was apparently “Frank” which also can mean “integrity” as in “never lie to you” (not) and also serve as another word for his “John-son” (which is probably what he meant by “wild ride.”) OK, maybe I’m looking way too deep into this semantically but you have to admit, this was a scream. It is no surprise that unfortunately this man is still unmarried at 40. Can you imagine going through this kind of experience daily?

Dana: <delete>


Got something to say?

You must be logged in to post a comment.